Picturesque

I am a perfectionist.
-a person who demands perfection of himself, herself, or others-



Perfection is a very deceiving, misconception of the truth.

I used to see nothing wrong with wanting things a certain way before I realized the wear it had on my family. Not to mention the disappointment when things rarely go as imagined. It is something I have recognized as a weakness in myself and it holds a strong bondage over my life. With God's help, I have been working on it little by little. I have seen a lot of improvements in my heart as well as in the ripple effect, but it is a daily struggle to let go of certain unrealistic expectations.

Worrying about being perfect really sucks the joy out of everything.

I set a standard for myself and get really stressed when I can't maintain it. Obviously we need to set certain standards for ourselves, but if the bar is raised too high, it becomes exhausting and you will eventually lose sight of what's real. I have visited this place quite frequently. I have expected too much out of myself, my husband and our kids. I have lost sight of the big picture and I have not given them, or myself, any grace where it has been needed. These expectations did nothing but leave me disappointed every time.

I have to accept that life is not perfect. It is not always picturesque. And that is perfectly fine.

Without Shaelynn knowing, she has played a large part in the revelation. I see the weakness of perfection beginning to torment her joyful spirit. She really struggles with the expectations she has for herself. She is five. Either she spends a lot of time noticing how I handle my expectations, she feels she has to be a certain way for me, or it is imbedded in her blood. None of those sit well with me. She needs to know that it is ok to accept things for what they are sometimes. She also needs to be secure in knowing I accept her the way she is.

Being a photographer, I started with shooting natural, beautiful moments, that became staged moments. It wasn't real to me any more. I have taken a "break" from photography to get to know my children better. I am choosing to pose less and embrace more. Come to find out, when I lower the expectations a little bit, Shaelynn, who, just like her dad, hates being in pictures, has been asking me to snap some of her. Now, I let her do whatever she wants, posing or not. If she is not feeling it, we change the scenery or I keep the imperfect moment, and end up with a beautiful unplanned shot and a natural reaction to mom taking another picture. It has been freeing, for the both of us.

I started with really simple things. Instead of nitpicking everything about myself, my family, and work, I found that "The joy of the Lord is my strength". All of the petty things I waste my time perfecting, do not bring me joy, and the nagging about them certainly doesn't make anyone else around me happy either.

Imperfection, by definition, is "flawed and broken". Strangely enough, that is exactly how I feel about the idea of perfection. Perfectionism doesn't accept things as they are. In fact, the definition of Perfectionism is "a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything else; Pettiness and nitpicking." There really is so much more beauty in imperfect things.

I'm not saying that I will never pose for a picture again, or stage a photo shoot, just for now I am learning to appreciate beauty in the flaws, and the charm in imperfection. To my surprise, it is bringing me A LOT more joy than I expected.

I also must admit, most of the failed attempts at a perfect picture turn out cherished the most,

at the very least bring a smile to our faces when reminiscing later.

 

 

*Nehemiah 8:10