The Thorn in the Seed

 

I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.

>>Romans 7:22-23<<

I was in a major car accident 11 years ago this April. It left physical and mental trauma. I realized something between the last anniversary and this one. Something I blamed on the accident for 10years. Anxiety. My anxiety did not just sprout up from the accident. My anxiety is more deeply rooted. I didn't notice before this revelation that I was a seriously anxious child. Some memories still stir the apprehension in me. For 10yrs I let the accident define the way my mind operates. The accident only added to the anxiety. Much like everything else in my life.

If you aren't familiar with anxiety, let me help you relate...it is the intense adrenaline rush you get that jolts you from a deep sleep. The vivid nightmare that shakes you and keeps you awake. Anxiety is a disease, a disorder, it is believing a lie that was generated in your own mind.

I wouldn't say that I struggle with anxiety, I'd say I fight an excruciating daily battle with it. Everything gives me anxiety. And it has a tendency to slip beyond my grasp at times. One of my best friend's and I joke that I should live in a padded room. If I told you a sliver of what I fear now, you would more than likely agree.

I've shared that God has a way of bringing something to my attention so many times that I cannot ignore it. Every devotion, every sermon, every conversation leads to it until I admit it is God telling me something. "Are you in control of your thoughts?" ...Nope. Well not all the time. Especially lately.

we [must] take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

>>2 Corinthians 10:5<<

When the wheels inside my head get turning, my mind will produce scenarios that have a high chance of never happening. But what if they could happen? What if they did happen? Anxiety encases my heart with four letters, F-E-A-R. When I feel a scary thought growing to a level of panic, sometimes I will talk myself out of it...other times I can't. The manufactured fear gets bigger than me causing me to crawl into a hole that I cant get out of. The scenarios may not ever be real but the fear of them is.

Fear cripples faith.

This mental disorder has a death grip on my relationship with [and dependence on] God. It is the one thing that keeps me furthest from Him. It haunts me.

 

We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. We use God's mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

>>2 Corinthians 10:4<<

 

I should be on medication. But I don't like the way it makes me feel. And I don't like having to depend on something to make me feel "normal". I was put on a few different things after my accident but quickly took myself off of them. I like to think that I am stronger than that. But I know I'm not. God is.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

>>2 Timothy 1:7<<
 

I like the way Rick Warren puts it, "Don't believe everything you think. You don't have to accept a thought. Just because you thought it doesn't make it true" 

Feed your mind with truth.
Every time I get anxiety over some ridiculous "what if", I have to replace it with truth to calm myself down. I literally have to discipline my mind to think differently. Then I will know the truth, and the truth will set me free.*

Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life,

and your real life is hidden with Christ

>>Colossians 3:2-3<<

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

>>Philippians 4:6-7<<

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

>>Joshua 1:9<<

 

That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

>>1 Corinthians 2:9<<

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

^{>>2 Corinthians 12:7-10<<}

I am the bare seed planted in God. Anxiety is the thorn of torment that Satan chooses to threaten my faith. I have not overcome it, Jesus has. As I continue to grow, I remind myself that I am not yet fully grown. Until then, He will sustain me, showering me with the peace that surpasses all understanding. I rest on the promise of deliverance from this stronghold.

 

 

 

O sky, rain down from above! Let the clouds send down showers of deliverance! Let the earth absorb it so salvation may grow, and deliverance may sprout up along with it. I, the LORD, create it.

>>Isaiah 45:8<<



*John 8:32

 

An Antidote for the Distracted Me

I have been conflicted with what to post and when. On top of that, how much I really want to share for just anyone to read.

I have struggled for a few weeks with a couple of topics that God keeps bringing to my heart. Without much avail, there is a big blank staring back at me. I have gone back and forth with just giving up on these subjects all together. I have a plethora of unfinished posts because I cannot sit down long enough to focus. I promised myself that I would not share where I didn't feel God leading me. At the same time, share whatever I feel He is leading me, no matter what.

 

I have an impatient spirit.

I think that if I tell God to speak to me in all my busyness that maybe He will just hit me with some sort of sign or blinding light.

Not the case.
 

I see little progress. It is there, but not up to my expectation. Writing, among other things, seems to be taking forever to just get somewhere...anywhere.
 

 

God gave me the ability to multitask. And I do it pretty well until I forget that ability doesn't come from my own strength. Multitasking turns into clustered distraction. Or I like to use the term, scatterbrain >>I wouldn't need Him if I could do it all alone<<

I pray over every topic He brings to me before moving forward with it. But, let's break this down:

Multitasking, being clustered or distracted during time in prayer, does not work.

It doesn't work.
 

How does one quiet their mind long enough to focus on what is in front of them??

"Be still and know that I am God" *

Be still.

HOW I say. How is that possible?

"What is impossible with man is possible with Me" *

I quickly think of Shaelynn. She is five and throws a lot of tantrums when she doesn't understand something. She spins so out of control that I either have to hold her tight to keep her arms from flailing right off, or scream on the top of my lungs to get her to just hear me over her own screaming. Speaking in a quiet tone does not always work for her. It takes a long time to calm her down sometimes. One thing I say to her every time, though, is, "focus". "Focus on what you're doing, if you need to take a time out to think about it, then do that. But don't sit here and scream for me to do it for you." I feel like God does that with me. I will start flipping out about something and He is there, looking at me like a child throwing a tantrum. He won't scream over my own mind, He won't hold me down while I flail. He will let me figure it out on my own, dropping subtle hints.

He will bring something to my attention so many times that, I realize later, was ignored the first few. Then looking back, I make the entire connection. Confirmation, over and over again.

 

 He obviously needs me to slow down in order to hear Him. How can I when my life, even my own mind will drown out that gentle whisper?

 

 

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

 >>1Kings 19:11-12<<

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... Consider this the prelude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Psalm 46:10

*Luke 18:27