Tiny Faith and An Able God

 

 

What if we believed that the thing we've been praying for could actually happen?

What if we believed God is really for us and not against us?


Is your faith as big as a mustard seed??


Jesus told His disciples, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Luke 17:6








Sometimes, when I pray for something "miraculous", I will do so with a heart of self pity, wishful thinking or fear rather than in confidence and hope. That is not faith. That is not believing that God is able.

The truth is, God IS able. He is more than able.

Have you ever noticed that most of self pity is rooted in jealousy for what God seems to be doing in someone else's life? The disheartening issue with that is you are completely missing what He is doing in yours. The prayers are answered in ways unexpected, yet we are irritated it didn't happen the way we thought it might; furthermore, we are oblivious all together that it was even God providing. He hears our cries of desperation and He provides. Even when we are hopeless, He gives us a reason to hope. He does not ignore us. We are the ones ignoring. Ignoring how great He really is, how much He really cares- enough to provide in ways only our invidual hearts could understand. He is not only able, He is doing.

Imagine if we prayed with that attitude rather than pity? Wouldn't we be that much more aware of His abilities, His doings in our lives? Wouldn't we be so much more grateful, praying with a thankful heart? He made the plans for our lives, why do we not trust Him with them? What if we trained our minds to operate and believe what our heart knows as true? What if we stepped out of our flesh and prayed in faith? Faith even as small as a mustard seed!

If you struggle with the size of your faith when it comes to those miraculous size prayers, I encourage you to read these two (short) stories where miraculous prayers were answered and met with disbelief. click each verse for the link


>>Acts 12:1-18<<

>>Mark 9:14-24<<



Why is that so difficult for us- to expect a miracle working God to perform miracles? Is it because we don't see His love for us? Does He only love those He has performed miracles for? Newsflash, He works miracles into our lives every day; not all miracles have to be bright and shiny. You just have to be aware, you have to have a faith as big as a mustard seed to see it. Do you know how big a mustard seed is!? It only takes that desperate amount to realize He is doing miraculous things in our lives. However, to have more than that tiny spec, is the confidence in your hope for those miraculous prayers to become reality. The confidence in a Mighty God who is able to do more than you might ask or think! Ever.

 

Jesus says, "Anything is possible if a person believes"







 

 

 

Color With Me

"Color with me, Mom" in the sweetest demand anyone has ever heard, Jaymeson told me what he wanted. I would usually respond with something like, "Not right now, I have to do this or that". Instead, nothing sounded better. "Ok" I replied and literally stopped what I was doing to join him.


Conviction has fallen over me. I don't deserve a Mom of the Year Award. If my kids were asked, I would be scared to hear what they really thought of that idea. Sure, I am good mom. They know I take care of them because I love them. But I don't really hang out with them, like I know they crave.

My days are full of chores, changing diapers, and feeding kids, scattered with lots of, "stop doing that, pick that up, tell her you're sorry, play nice with each other, get that out of your mouth." etc.


I am too busy for my kids sometimes. In that moment, I deliberately chose not to be. The laundry and dishes can wait. The toys will be picked up, eventually. So, I spent the morning coloring with the kids. Raegann even had her own page to color. And everyone was happy.

 

They need me, more than just keeping the house tidy, more than the days they are sick or kissing their ouchies. They need me to actually spend time with them doing whatever they want. It is obvious, but really easy to forget at times, especially because multiple kids keep each other pretty busy!

I don't give them enough of me, and I am with them all day long! My me time only becomes so important when I struggle to have my time be mine alone. I fight so hard to find time to myself when I should really try that hard to find time with them. They are only little for so long. I obviously need to get certain things done every day. But, being a stay at home mom doesn't have to mean that I am stressed to the max trying to get those things done and juggle everything at once! Being a stay at home mom can mean exactly that. Being mom!

Moving has put us into a different schedule, anything kinda goes right now and I am figuring it out. I must say though, I have actually found myself spending more time with them. Chasing them around the house and wrestling with them is one of my best work out routines! Sure, other times, I feel lazy, lounging with them on the couch while the chores stack higher.. but I know they are getting me out of it. They are spending quality time with mom. Whether it is with one of them individually or all together, I am there. And not just doing something else while I sit with them. I definitely need to do it more. It is seriously rewarding.



There is a good saying,

Tend to My sheep

>>John 21:16<<

Sprung into Summer Break

I have missed my blog.


Sometimes an unintended break comes along and life takes over.


So, here is a little bit of what life has been like since I last posted:

Shaelynn had surgery in April >>if you missed her story, you can read it here<< She has also been cleared from the chances of her tumor returning and the remaining health visits came to an end. She is released from further medical care. We have waited close to six years to hear that news. Praising God that she is healed.

Since then, Chad has begun a 6 month long journey to become a welder for the gas company. He should be certified come December. Our schedule changed dramatically, however, the sacrifices are worth it. I am so proud of him for taking this step to better the future for our family.

meanwhile....

Raegann turned one.

Jaymeson turned three.

 

 

And we threw a Pow Wow for Cowboys and Indians to celebrate.

 

the following weekend....

We rented a van and roadtripped to New Mexico to visit with family, Shaelynn's horse 'Swiper the Fox' and enjoy the wide open, fresh air!

The hardest part during my time away from the blog was saying goodbye to Penelope. I still cry, missing her. She was my first "baby" and Shaelynn's best bud.

A few days later, we moved into our new home! Bittersweet without our beloved fur baby. It has been quite a few years since our last place as a family, Shaelynn was an only child then.

With all of this in mind, Chad and I celebrated 7 years of marriage this past weekend. Funny, looking back at the day, how different we are now, but how much more love has grown. I am so grateful for this man and the life we share.

 

 

 

 

 No doubt, we are embarking new beginnings. I hope to return to my blog with so much more to share!

 

God is good. All the time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Story of Shaelynn

My heart is heavy for this sweet girl today. Sometimes I forget everything we went through together (and apart) for the first three weeks of her life and for the first year after. And even every year until this point.

She was born with a sacral taretoma. In English, it was a tumor in her abdomen. This was not something we prepared for. The last ultrasound at 20 weeks did not catch this. It was a shock to the doctor delivering her. And even more so, to us. She weighed 4lbs and 13oz full term and had a massive lump on her back side, as well as a pertruding tummy. She was rushed to the NICU in San Diego before I fully came off all the medication I was doped up on. I did not hold her before she left. I did not even get time alone with her before she was taken away.

 

How could I forget all of this every time I look at her sweet face? She is a fighter! I've always known that! Her strong will today makes it easy for my mind to erase those sore memories. Sometimes, her needs go unmet because she is the oldest and is expected to understand. And for the most part, she does. But I still forget, she is only five. She is our first child. And for the first three weeks of her life,  she was our hardest struggle as first time parents.

People asked how we did it. I honestly could not have done it without Jesus. I had never clung to Him more than in the time she spent in NICU. But I'm not going to lie, it was a complete blur going through it. We didn't miss a day visiting her. We got there as early as we could, and stayed until they kicked us out every night. She was a week old when she went in for surgery. Chad and I had to learn how to catheterize her. And we had to beg the doctors to let us take her home before she reached 5lbs. She had a nurse come to our house twice a week for three weeks after. All of it was a state of shock until we looked back.

 

 

Today, we saw the surgeon who removed her tumor. We hugged the doctor and thanked her for her skill after the 5 hour surgery had been completed. I almost hugged her again today with tears welling up! The tumor was benine, but her bladder was attached to her belly button from the inside and her tail bone wrapped around the tumor. They didn't know that until they opened her up, front and back. She has had doctor visits and blood work scheduled until this year. The check ups with the surgeon are to make sure the tumor does not grow back. These are very invasive and traumatic, to say the least. Blood work to check her white blood count, and the urologist to make sure her bladder and kidneys still function properly. We were sent a life time supply of catheters that we never had to use. Potty training was suspected to be a nightmare, but it was a breeze. She has small issues but nothing compared to what we were told to expect. You would never know the surgeon told us that she may not walk. She walked at 10 and a half months old! She is a miracle. A daily reminder of God's goodness.This girl is AMAZING! And I overlook it so easily sometimes.

I explained to another mom at her school yesterday about the preparing for this appointment and it felt weird talking about it. I just assume everyone knows these things about Shaelynn. But why would they? She is totally normal on the outside. And I take it for granted until these much traumatic appointments come up. This is something that will never leave her. And I pray she doesn't look at herself as something less just because of the scars. This girl is (and always will be) mommy & daddy's little hero.




her crib in the NICU set up with pictures of mom & dad and a special elephant that she still has

 

 

the day we brought her home

 

We hear back in a few days about her white blood count which will decide the end of the check ups with her surgeon, as well as clear the chance of the tumor returning. During her visit today, it was confirmed that her belly button is herniated, and she will need surgery to close the hole. This will also make her "outtie" an "innie".  She will see her urologist for a renal ultrasound soon. And I will be scheduling her surgery date within the next few weeks. It has been a long journey that is finally coming to an end this year. Please continue praying for our girl. I will update here once the chapter has finally been closed. Chad and I sincerely appreciate the love everyone has shown for her throughout every step of her story.

 

The most perfect button.

 

 

 

Today after her doctor visit. She was rewarded the Giraffe.

 

 

For I bear on my body the scars that show I belong to Jesus.

>>Galatians 6:17<<

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Postponement of All Her Hopes

One of the areas I have anxiety about is coming out of a certain valley in my life. I am not talking about a season, a desert, or wilderness in that valley, but the valley itself. I am talking a valley where you have found yourself asking, "Have I experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain was it?"* Not just once but maybe two, or three, or 100 times you have asked this.

I looked up the definition of valley and it said this,
-an elongated depression between uplands, hills, or mountains, an extensive, more or less flat, and relatively low region

Let that sink in. An elongated depression.

When you stay in one place for so long whether it be physically, or spiritually, it becomes so stagnant that you think God just left you there. If an opportunity arises, the first thought is "No, it couldn't be so. Surely God wants me to stay miserable and learn a new lesson from it. But is it? Could it be? Doesn't God want me to be happy?" Or how about this, the opportunity comes and you're too scared you will screw it up so you just stay put. It almost feels too good to be true.

 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

>>Proverbs 13:12<<

Trusting that God is bigger than your fear is not an easy task. You have been let down so many times in this area that you have grown callous to the disappointment, even the slightest glimmer of hope doesn't catch your eye. Because, let's face it, "it could never happen. I am meant to stay here until I grow fruit." mmm yes, bitter fruit, I am guessing.

What happens when we don't trust God to come through once and for all? To finally snatch us out of that deep, dark valley? Will He not come to our aid even if not taken from that place? He will. He always does. So why doubt in the first place? His will for us is not to be miserable, or even stay in a place that makes us feel so. It is to give us hope. The trials are rough but He is always near to lean on. Not good enough? Go ahead and try your own way.... failed that attempt too many times. Still here. Only He knows the way to the Valley's end. And only He can take me there. Why fight that? Why wallow in a place of bitterness and pity when He brings joy and the peace of understanding. We never know what it is that we actually want. When we think we know, He has something better. Oh anxiety, how I loathe your ways.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
>>Jeremiah 29:11<<

 

But it is His will, not my own that I must seek! It is HIS plans. Not mine!

If you select your own spot to be planted, you will prove yourself to be an unproductive, empty pod. However, if you allow God to plant you, you will bear much fruit.

>>John 15:8<<

It is really, really hard when, for a second you see all you've been waiting for be that much closer, just to find out you are really that much further away.

I have always found it a bittersweet reminder "if it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be". That has been one of my mottos since I can remember. It's my "it will be ok no matter what". Apparently, I forget it when it comes to my own circumstances. Sure, whenever a friend needs to hear it. Good thing I've got friends like me...yah, it was an ouch moment when I heard it come from the other end of the phone. But I agreed. Because it is true! It will not happen if it isn't meant to be! Whatever it is. And I can deal accordingly. Even when I really want something to be "meant to be".


I found this in my new favorite book,
"This further delay is not unto death, but for the glory of God."

It goes on to say,
"it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible"


If I gave up now, I would never see what He had planned to do next!

He is able to do more than we may ask or think!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Galatians 3:4

*Hind's Feet on High Places

*Ephesians 3:20

The Thorn in the Seed

 

I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.

>>Romans 7:22-23<<

I was in a major car accident 11 years ago this April. It left physical and mental trauma. I realized something between the last anniversary and this one. Something I blamed on the accident for 10years. Anxiety. My anxiety did not just sprout up from the accident. My anxiety is more deeply rooted. I didn't notice before this revelation that I was a seriously anxious child. Some memories still stir the apprehension in me. For 10yrs I let the accident define the way my mind operates. The accident only added to the anxiety. Much like everything else in my life.

If you aren't familiar with anxiety, let me help you relate...it is the intense adrenaline rush you get that jolts you from a deep sleep. The vivid nightmare that shakes you and keeps you awake. Anxiety is a disease, a disorder, it is believing a lie that was generated in your own mind.

I wouldn't say that I struggle with anxiety, I'd say I fight an excruciating daily battle with it. Everything gives me anxiety. And it has a tendency to slip beyond my grasp at times. One of my best friend's and I joke that I should live in a padded room. If I told you a sliver of what I fear now, you would more than likely agree.

I've shared that God has a way of bringing something to my attention so many times that I cannot ignore it. Every devotion, every sermon, every conversation leads to it until I admit it is God telling me something. "Are you in control of your thoughts?" ...Nope. Well not all the time. Especially lately.

we [must] take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

>>2 Corinthians 10:5<<

When the wheels inside my head get turning, my mind will produce scenarios that have a high chance of never happening. But what if they could happen? What if they did happen? Anxiety encases my heart with four letters, F-E-A-R. When I feel a scary thought growing to a level of panic, sometimes I will talk myself out of it...other times I can't. The manufactured fear gets bigger than me causing me to crawl into a hole that I cant get out of. The scenarios may not ever be real but the fear of them is.

Fear cripples faith.

This mental disorder has a death grip on my relationship with [and dependence on] God. It is the one thing that keeps me furthest from Him. It haunts me.

 

We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. We use God's mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

>>2 Corinthians 10:4<<

 

I should be on medication. But I don't like the way it makes me feel. And I don't like having to depend on something to make me feel "normal". I was put on a few different things after my accident but quickly took myself off of them. I like to think that I am stronger than that. But I know I'm not. God is.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

>>2 Timothy 1:7<<
 

I like the way Rick Warren puts it, "Don't believe everything you think. You don't have to accept a thought. Just because you thought it doesn't make it true" 

Feed your mind with truth.
Every time I get anxiety over some ridiculous "what if", I have to replace it with truth to calm myself down. I literally have to discipline my mind to think differently. Then I will know the truth, and the truth will set me free.*

Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life,

and your real life is hidden with Christ

>>Colossians 3:2-3<<

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

>>Philippians 4:6-7<<

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

>>Joshua 1:9<<

 

That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

>>1 Corinthians 2:9<<

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

^{>>2 Corinthians 12:7-10<<}

I am the bare seed planted in God. Anxiety is the thorn of torment that Satan chooses to threaten my faith. I have not overcome it, Jesus has. As I continue to grow, I remind myself that I am not yet fully grown. Until then, He will sustain me, showering me with the peace that surpasses all understanding. I rest on the promise of deliverance from this stronghold.

 

 

 

O sky, rain down from above! Let the clouds send down showers of deliverance! Let the earth absorb it so salvation may grow, and deliverance may sprout up along with it. I, the LORD, create it.

>>Isaiah 45:8<<



*John 8:32

 

An Antidote for the Distracted Me

I have been conflicted with what to post and when. On top of that, how much I really want to share for just anyone to read.

I have struggled for a few weeks with a couple of topics that God keeps bringing to my heart. Without much avail, there is a big blank staring back at me. I have gone back and forth with just giving up on these subjects all together. I have a plethora of unfinished posts because I cannot sit down long enough to focus. I promised myself that I would not share where I didn't feel God leading me. At the same time, share whatever I feel He is leading me, no matter what.

 

I have an impatient spirit.

I think that if I tell God to speak to me in all my busyness that maybe He will just hit me with some sort of sign or blinding light.

Not the case.
 

I see little progress. It is there, but not up to my expectation. Writing, among other things, seems to be taking forever to just get somewhere...anywhere.
 

 

God gave me the ability to multitask. And I do it pretty well until I forget that ability doesn't come from my own strength. Multitasking turns into clustered distraction. Or I like to use the term, scatterbrain >>I wouldn't need Him if I could do it all alone<<

I pray over every topic He brings to me before moving forward with it. But, let's break this down:

Multitasking, being clustered or distracted during time in prayer, does not work.

It doesn't work.
 

How does one quiet their mind long enough to focus on what is in front of them??

"Be still and know that I am God" *

Be still.

HOW I say. How is that possible?

"What is impossible with man is possible with Me" *

I quickly think of Shaelynn. She is five and throws a lot of tantrums when she doesn't understand something. She spins so out of control that I either have to hold her tight to keep her arms from flailing right off, or scream on the top of my lungs to get her to just hear me over her own screaming. Speaking in a quiet tone does not always work for her. It takes a long time to calm her down sometimes. One thing I say to her every time, though, is, "focus". "Focus on what you're doing, if you need to take a time out to think about it, then do that. But don't sit here and scream for me to do it for you." I feel like God does that with me. I will start flipping out about something and He is there, looking at me like a child throwing a tantrum. He won't scream over my own mind, He won't hold me down while I flail. He will let me figure it out on my own, dropping subtle hints.

He will bring something to my attention so many times that, I realize later, was ignored the first few. Then looking back, I make the entire connection. Confirmation, over and over again.

 

 He obviously needs me to slow down in order to hear Him. How can I when my life, even my own mind will drown out that gentle whisper?

 

 

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

 >>1Kings 19:11-12<<

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.... Consider this the prelude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Psalm 46:10

*Luke 18:27

The Bliss of Failing

~A Quote from a Friend~

The thing about "failure' is that people don't fully grasp the gravity of the word. To be so bold as to call yourself a failure, without having truly tried at something, does the word 'failure' a disservice. To fail at something, truly fail, is to try and to fall flat and fall short.

We think of failure as a weakness, when in fact, most of us should be so lucky. Failure, true failure, is a badge of honor, my friends.

Those who would be so arrogant as to label themselves failures, when having never really tried in the first place, will never know the bliss of failing so wonderfully at something you put your all into. Rather, they will sit on the sidelines of life and chalk it all up to never being good enough. And that is a copout.

Failure is something to take pride in. Failure implies effort, and effort is passion, and without passion, we may as well not as exist.

So go forth and fail. Fail again and again, and eventually, you'll fail that much better.

 

Something clicked when I read this... I fail daily as a wife and mother. Most days I fail as wife because I am too busy failing at mom. I don't use the term loosely here, many mothers can relate to what I am trying to explain.

I put my all into these kids, day in and day out, when things don't go as I set them up to be, I feel like a failure. As a wife, part of my job is to be the keeper of our home. What happens when things slip through my fingers and Chad walks in the door to screaming children, catastrophic messes, and a wife in her jammies?? I feel like a complete failure. 

What I didn't realize is what I have ultimately accomplished in days like these <<what seems like very little>> the kids are still alive. Do you know what all goes into a day of keeping three kids alive? What about the mornings that I can't seem to drag myself out of bed quick enough? I never count the rough three consecutive hours I spend awake with a baby who wants to play instead of sleeping like the rest of the people in the house. I am currently running on two and a half hours of collected sleep as I type this.

It's no secret I am a struggling perfectionist and that I am coming out of a season commonly referred to as the "mom rut". I haven't been posting on my blog lately because I have been busy journaling personal goals and achievements. But I wanted to at least share some encouragement. The bliss here isn't that I fall short every day. I never live up to my own expectation as a wife and mother. However, I do not give myself enough credit either. I have reevaluated my life and routine, I have become so much more focused on what it is I do want out of myself. I dropped the expectations and let myself breathe. 

I am super mom even when I think I fail.
I am super wife when I can smile through the failure.

 

I wear the badge.
 

O Lord, You are the God of early mornings, the God of late nights, the God of the mountain peaks and the God of the sea. But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me. 

 

-Oswald Chambers

God is More Than a Sunday Morning

It's been a Thankful Thursday kind of day for me. Now that I have been able to take a small breath and refocus a little, I am so thankful for God's grace.

I have already announced my come back. But I also have a confession...
 

Given the running theme of my last two posts, this will not come as such news. So, here it goes, I have failed to make it to church more in the last few months of 2013 than in the last few years of my life. Don't judge me yet.

I try not to miss too much church. I need the fellowship, refreshing, confirmation and conviction. I love the way God speaks directly to me through someone who has no idea the cry of my heart. When I skip church, my week gets messy really fast and all my days start to blend. Imagine weeks between, now I'm really lost. That probably isn't helping the season I am in much. Interesting though, how busy I become, or the distractions that I will allow to keep me from much needed time with God.
 

After being absent for a consecutive month, the sermon on that first Sunday back had these points:

 

.We cannot expect anyone to bring Jesus to us.

.We are still responsible for Monday and Tuesday...

 

Funny how He does that.

How many times during those missed weeks had I needed Him? And how many times did I actually seek Him? How many times did I open the Word?

 

Thank God His grace is not based on my church attendance.

 

I really need church. I think it is a really important part of our Christian walk. But it is equally important to seek Him outside of Sunday mornings.


If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
>>Jeremiah 29:13<<

 

These seasons of avoiding Jesus are prime hunting ground for the enemy. Faith is too fragile. No matter how "strong" of a Christian, it doesn't take much to distract us long enough to forget everything we know. Ironic though that these are the circumstances chosen to test our faith!

Wherever you find Jesus, is where you should strive to be. Mine happens to be a lot at Church. Go figure. However, I know, well enough, where to find Him when I miss those precious mornings. I obviously lost track of my priorities a bit. Buuuuut, I AM working on it.
 

 

"If you wish to see the face of Jesus, you must sit at His feet."

 

Thank you, Lord, for your grace and provision, even through weeks <<or months>> without seeking your sweet face wholeheartedly. Thank you for your goodness while I am selfish and undeserving. Thank you for your unfailing love. Thank you for your mercy and tender forgiveness.