Uninspired Thoughts

Let me start this by warning you that I am still in my season of exhaustion. And I will be venting in this post. I have had "writers block" every time I've opened my journal. Variations of woes me just bleed onto the pages like I've never been here before. And I'm stuck here right now.

 

How can I inspire someone when I, myself, am so uninspired?

 

I used to read my Bible every day. This may sound weird, but it's honest, I used to go to sleep excited to wake up and spend quiet time with the Lord. Now, I can't even pull myself out of bed before someone has a poop explosion! My coffee rarely touches my lips before 11 and my quiet time gets farther away from happening.

 

How could I have let things come to this? ME!? I am so in control of myself and my schedule. When did I stop letting God inspire my heart? I've just let go of everything that I am passionate about. I am drowning in my busyness. But I've become so lazy at the same time. I don't even know who I am right now or what I really want. I'm just blah. And I'm sick of it.

 

A recent conversation with a friend struck a cord though. Talking about a picture I took that is hanging on the wall of my bathroom. It's a favorite of mine. I have it in a floating frame paired with two verses. I snapped it in 2009 as a gift for Chad, the morning we took Shaelynn to Disneyland for her first time. When I printed it, Walgreens asked for the copyright. I had no way to prove it was mine in that moment. And I had never had an issue with One-Hour Photo before this. The only reason they gave it to me was because it happened to be Christmas eve and I was on the verge of tears. That picture is worth a thousand words to me. Not just because of the struggle it took to get it on my wall but the reason behind taking it in the first place.

 

Throughout my break from photography I seriously debated changing the name. A Thousand Words: It began to feel cliché and so unoriginal. But, that conversation spoke to me. It sparked a little glimmer in my heart. I decided that I won't change the name. I will get back to doing what I love and I will use my talents for the Lord like I had originally started off doing. 

 

I LOVE photography. It is such an inspiring way to express art. It makes me happy. And I need to do it more. I need to give it back to God. So, therefore, I end this rant with the announcement that I am back in business people. In an entirely new way...stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

>> 2 Corinthians4:7<<

'Tis The Season

You may be thinking this is a post about joyful giving or perhaps the birth of our Savior. But let me warn you now, it is not. <<Don't worry, I am sure I will touch on those before the month is over.>>

In fact this is about my current season.

It has been a season of exhaustion. In all aspects of the word. I am slightly sleep deprived. Ok, a lot, sleep deprived. I have been stretched beyond my physical, mental, and emotional limits. This season is one of waiting on the Lord. A season of Unknown. This season is not bad. It is just kinda blah.

It's blah because who really enjoys their patience being tested?

Opportunities are increasing with no clear direction. It's so close we can taste it. But what is IT exactly? And where is IT? Ironically enough, I do actually find hope in this, because I am not unfamiliar with the 'unknown' seasons in my life. I know very well that these times are trying and very much rewarding. I know that during these seasons, God is working on something that just simply isn't ready yet. This season is long because everything has to be just right for the victorious moment that His glory will be made known.

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him

>>Romans 8:28<<

 

 

For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

>>Ecclesiastes 3:1-8<<

'Tis the Season to Wait on the Lord.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

>>Matthew 11:28<<

Rest.

Rest is exactly what my mind needs.




...What I need more is Jesus in this season...

The Fourth, but Not Last, Thankful Thursday

With this Thankful Thursday in mind, I realize, without much elaboration, I have barely scratched the surface of this thankful heart. So, I have decided to keep it going throughout the weeks to come. Whenever I think of it, on a Thursday, I will post a sentiment. 

 

Not every situation we are put in is worthy of praise. But imagine, finding at least one thing to be thankful for in that circumstance, it changes your entire perspective. You begin to look for more, little things, that you may have once overlooked. You have to train your mind to think of the things that are worthy of *praise.

Choosing to be thankful is actually a *sacrifice. You are making a choice to let go of the overwhelming emotions that tie you to the circumstances. Instead of resenting them, you grow from them. And eventually, you become grateful for them. You begin to notice that it affects you a whole lot less, and it stops controlling your way of thinking. You're happy because you have found so many moments to be thankful for.

Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip
you to complete the long journey

>>James 1:2-4<<

 

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

>>1Thessalonians 5:18<<

Happy Thanksgiving Friends.

Thank you Lord, for continually showing me what it means to be thankful. 

And thank you Callie, for inspiring this journey.

 

*Philippians 4:8

*Psalm 50:23

 

The Third Thankful Thursday



Handprints on the Walls

 

I live in a house with 5 children ranging in age from five months to seven years old. <<Two of the kids are my brother and sister.>> This goes without saying, the house looks like a tornado touched down on most days. My mom and I constantly banter about which one of us cleaned what last, since, a lot that each of us do will go unnoticed. Visitors rarely see the house tidied as it takes less than an hour <<sometimes minutes>> before the kids realize it is too clean. You would never know the amount of time we spend on our hands and knees scrubbing the floors, "magic" erasing handprints from the walls, sweeping, vacuuming, bleaching toilets, picking up toys, loading and reloading the dishwasher, the piles of laundry we fold or re-fluff in the dryer, etc. These jobs aren't just invisible within the walls occupied by 9 people, it is the complaint of nearly every mother. 
 

Yet, in spite of that, I am grateful for this particular roof over my head. Chaotic as it may be, the love surpasses it. My mom and I have bonded through the messes we clean together. And dream <<aloud>> about the day Chad and I will actually move out. We end up laughing about who made what disaster and why we rather sit for three hours on a Saturday morning, drinking coffee, than pick up, listen to, or scrub anything. 

The truth is, the grubby little hands bless my life beyond belief. This is a memory we all share. Some day we will look back and cherish the time spent under one roof together. Not to mention, recall the miracle it was that we all survived.

 

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

>>Psalm 24:3-4<<

 

I will think twice the next time I go to complain about the circumstances, because, not everyone has a place to call home, with food on the table, toys and gadgets, or so much as a family like this. I am thankful for this home and the people in it, as well as the family outside of this house that God has blessed me with.

 

 

Thank you Lord, for my home & entire family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Second Thankful Thursday

It seems too often that we take our spouses for granted. We get so caught up in current circumstances that we soon forget the vows we shared or the intense butterflies that brought us to that point. I am guilty of it too. The love doesn't have to be such a distant memory though. If you make a conscious effort to be thankful for your spouse daily, <<even if you aren't fond of them at the moment, think back to a time you were>> over time, you will see that a new habit has been instilled. A thankful heart is a happy heart.

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are

excellent and worthy of praise      

>>Philippians 4:8<<

 

 

 

The Man I Was Created For

I am thankful for the man God created me for.  It is because of Chad that I have the relationship I do with the Lord. We have been through things that should have torn us apart and a few things that have come very close. Had I not spent so much time in prayer during those exasperating seasons of growth, I wouldn't have seen the result of God's love in our marriage. I wouldn't have seen the result of God's love in me.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

>>1Corinthians 13:7<<

   

I am grateful for Chad's heart. It is like no other that I know. He has been a pillar for me through agonizing struggles. He takes care of me, encourages my dreams, supports my desires, defends me without fail. He gives his all in everything he does, adores our children, makes sacrifices for us, puts our needs above his, and has stood by me at my worst. <<I am so thankful that he loves me through those selfish times.>> He has completely been the influence in me becoming, and always striving to be a better person.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude...

>>1Peter 4:8<<

 

Here is the man who provides for our family. His hands are rough, nails dirty, body aching, mind clustered, dead beat tired. His schedule is strenuous, and the job is taxing. His work ethic is unmatched. By the time his head hits the pillow, he has maybe been home an hour and all he requests is that I be near him. How that makes me feel, I cannot even describe. My job, as his wife is to serve him as unto the Lord. And I have found my heart happy every time I remind myself to do so. This man works too hard to have a wife take all that he does for granted.

 

 

We can never thank God enough for all the joy you give us as we rejoice in God's presence.
>>1Thessalonians3:9<<


Thank you Lord for this man.


And thank you Bay,
For loving me the way you do. And for loving the kids beyond measure.

 

 

 

Thankful Thursday

Every Thursday this month, I will be linking up with my good friend over
at Callie Loves to share some things I am thankful for.
You can do the same, or just follow along with us.

 A Thankful Heart
 Would it be totally and completely cliché to start this out with giving thanks to God for everything He has done? Probably. But that won't stop me from doing it. Not just on this Thursday, or throughout the month of November, but as often as I can. I need to remember to be more grateful for what the Lord has done for me, and for us.

 

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be
holy and without fault in his eyes.
>>Ephesians 1:4<<

For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son.
>>John 3:16<<

-because-
...where sin abounded, grace did much more abound.
>>Romans 5:20<<


But God does not just sweep life away; instead, He devises ways
to bring us back when we have been separated from Him.
>>2Samuel 14:14<<


He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do
>>Psalm 33:15<<

-And Jesus said-
You didn't choose Me. I chose you...
>>John 15:16<<


I am so thankful for His love.

His love for you and His love for me.

Before He created the earth, He had a purpose for you and I. He knew there would be sin in this world, so He sent His Son to save us by His amazing grace.
Even when we do not want anything to do with Him, He tugs on our heart strings and brings us back.

We did not choose Him. He chose us.

Thank you Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Picturesque

I am a perfectionist.
-a person who demands perfection of himself, herself, or others-



Perfection is a very deceiving, misconception of the truth.

I used to see nothing wrong with wanting things a certain way before I realized the wear it had on my family. Not to mention the disappointment when things rarely go as imagined. It is something I have recognized as a weakness in myself and it holds a strong bondage over my life. With God's help, I have been working on it little by little. I have seen a lot of improvements in my heart as well as in the ripple effect, but it is a daily struggle to let go of certain unrealistic expectations.

Worrying about being perfect really sucks the joy out of everything.

I set a standard for myself and get really stressed when I can't maintain it. Obviously we need to set certain standards for ourselves, but if the bar is raised too high, it becomes exhausting and you will eventually lose sight of what's real. I have visited this place quite frequently. I have expected too much out of myself, my husband and our kids. I have lost sight of the big picture and I have not given them, or myself, any grace where it has been needed. These expectations did nothing but leave me disappointed every time.

I have to accept that life is not perfect. It is not always picturesque. And that is perfectly fine.

Without Shaelynn knowing, she has played a large part in the revelation. I see the weakness of perfection beginning to torment her joyful spirit. She really struggles with the expectations she has for herself. She is five. Either she spends a lot of time noticing how I handle my expectations, she feels she has to be a certain way for me, or it is imbedded in her blood. None of those sit well with me. She needs to know that it is ok to accept things for what they are sometimes. She also needs to be secure in knowing I accept her the way she is.

Being a photographer, I started with shooting natural, beautiful moments, that became staged moments. It wasn't real to me any more. I have taken a "break" from photography to get to know my children better. I am choosing to pose less and embrace more. Come to find out, when I lower the expectations a little bit, Shaelynn, who, just like her dad, hates being in pictures, has been asking me to snap some of her. Now, I let her do whatever she wants, posing or not. If she is not feeling it, we change the scenery or I keep the imperfect moment, and end up with a beautiful unplanned shot and a natural reaction to mom taking another picture. It has been freeing, for the both of us.

I started with really simple things. Instead of nitpicking everything about myself, my family, and work, I found that "The joy of the Lord is my strength". All of the petty things I waste my time perfecting, do not bring me joy, and the nagging about them certainly doesn't make anyone else around me happy either.

Imperfection, by definition, is "flawed and broken". Strangely enough, that is exactly how I feel about the idea of perfection. Perfectionism doesn't accept things as they are. In fact, the definition of Perfectionism is "a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything else; Pettiness and nitpicking." There really is so much more beauty in imperfect things.

I'm not saying that I will never pose for a picture again, or stage a photo shoot, just for now I am learning to appreciate beauty in the flaws, and the charm in imperfection. To my surprise, it is bringing me A LOT more joy than I expected.

I also must admit, most of the failed attempts at a perfect picture turn out cherished the most,

at the very least bring a smile to our faces when reminiscing later.

 

 

*Nehemiah 8:10



A Golden Introduction

Today I turn 26. Making it my Golden Birthday. Though I don't have any wild and crazy plans, I thought I would take a leap here and open this new chapter in my life: Blogging.

As I reflect back, I never could have imagined where I am today. <<I realize everyone says something like this, but it doesn't make it any less true.>> Married for 6 years already, a mother of three, a photographer, writing in an online public journal. I am a creative person and I express myself through some form of art, no doubt. I have always enjoyed taking pictures and writing my thoughts, but both of these things never defined me before I became a mother. It has become the way I hear and see God. It is how I find myself and how I speak when there are no words.

I'm not your typical bookworm. I did not always have a love for books. <<This love also grew when I became a mom.>> I was never good with literature, Language Arts, or English. I was an average B-, C student. And maybe that was because I sat next to someone who read the assignments, paid attention in class or actually did their homework. Because, honestly, it wasn't always me. I was never interested in the novels school forces you to read. This may come as a shock, I may even be judged but, I have no idea what happened in To Kill A Mockingbird, Animal Farm, or Where the Red Fern Grows. Yet, over the years, I will have about three books going at a time. You will always find me reading something. Reading challenges my desire to write. And writing has always been my therapy.

I did it for me, no one else.

I don't have a wide vocabulary. I don't use big words. I'm not always grammatically correct. I make up my own words. Most things I say come out incredibly awkward, sometimes offensive. And, I am sure, a lot I say is taken out of context. Although, I have been writing in my collection of journals for well over 13yrs now. I write because God reveals things I didn't see in the heat of a moment. I keep the journals so I can always go back to those times as reminders for present and future struggles.“If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.” Psalm 40:5 And that's why I need to keep an ongoing record, at least for what He has done in my life. If you don't take note of precious moments in a really hard time, how can you have hope when the next hard time comes along?

So why start sharing these things now? Jesus said,“Do you love Me?...Then feed my sheep.” John 21:15 So the better question becomes,WHY NOT?

God gave me this burning heart and He says it is time to share it. The Three Little Lambs represent my children, but this blog will not be all about them. More so for them. An open journal addressed to my kids. I want them to know who their mother is in hopes to show them who God is. And I want them to know that they aren't alone when it is time for them to face their own struggles. Sometimes I write better than I speak and other times, it is the only way I can fully express myself.

I want them to know that their passions, as they grow, are important to me and they should do what they love, always. 

 

"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward

Him for the life of your young children.”

Lamentations 2:19

 

“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you.” 1 Peter 5:2